may 2011

Sitting at this time at the terrace of my hostel in dark & thinking about my life! Its true that my life isn't going much satisfactory. I'm far away from the feelings of content. There are many reasons behind this. So many things have changed my life & even me. I laugh more than before but at the same time the intensity of fearful thoughts in me has increased. To be true, i never knew how we get changed. I always used to explain the people around me that i've changed but when i'm really changed, i don't tell others. I try to hide my problems & feelings from others. It might be maturity or selfishness but i can feel it in me. . . At the same time i sometimes want to share everything but i don't find anything appropriate for that. I was waiting to share the matters but when how where & with whom were the restrictions. So finally i did what was in approach. I planned to write!
The first main reason for my anxiety is the health problems my family is suffering from. My father has got stones in his kidney. He's already diabetic & had a bypass about 1.5year ago. He needs to be operated again but we all have fears regarding his health. Whenever he has pain in the kidney, it hurts us badly. I can't see him in pain. The only favour i can do i to pray & that i do as much as i can. . . I cannot even think about losing him. I wish Allah blesses him good health & active life. Besides my father's health, my mother remains ill all the time. Its very few blushing moments that we're able to see her healthy & fresh. She's diabetic & has stomach problems. I wish she gets relief from all the things she's dealing with. Now comes my brother. He's suffering from stomach problem since 1year but his condition is still not satisfactory. I had many problems & finally anaemia was recently diagnosed as well as the water retention & ESR. Now i know the value of health in our lives. . . Its impossible to deal with the hardships of life without good health. Everything seems worst & the potential to fight with anything gets weakened.

The second most important issue that creates panic is the unhealthy relations with some friends. Most of them are the friends whose name i'm not willing to mention here. There are countless misunderstandings between us but i've left everything unclear because i don't have much stamina to get indulged into the long conversations & prove myself. I've got to the conclusion that all other relations are fake except parents & sibling. I don't have any grudges for anyone neither have anything in my heart for or against them.

Even i read today that end is the part of word friend which i think is a fact. No friendship remains forever. Friends have to get separated through anything. . . But they have to!

Another tension for me is the hectic routine nowadays. . . I never had an idea that this university life or studies will become burden for me. But it has happened. . . Its becoming hard for me day by day to cope with this fast life! I try to visit home after every fifteen days like never before which is also very hectic. . .

My writing ends here without concluding anything